


Closer

by ThatAj



Series: Exposure: One Step at a Time [14]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, M/M, POV First Person, POV Justin Taylor (Queer as Folk), References to Depression, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 04:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16947240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatAj/pseuds/ThatAj
Summary: “Well then,” he spoke firmly. “You absolutely must go. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, least of all me.”Justin and Brian say goodbye to their friends and family and move to LA. Set about 3 months after "In Just Seven Days"





	Closer

We walked up to the house that had been a refuge to both of us at different times in our lives and pushing the door open and walking in just felt so familiar and like home. I wondered if we would find people that we felt as comfortable with in LA. And I wondered for probably the millionth time that day if we were making a colossal mistake by moving. Although all of our belongings and the ‘vette were already nearly in California, so it was a little late to be second-guessing myself. Or millionth-guessing myself, as the case may be.

“It’s about fuckin’ time!” Debbie shrieked as she walked to the door. She swatted Brian on the back of the head. “Asshole! Who shows up late to their own going away party?” And she kissed and hugged me. “Sunshine! I can’t believe you boys are leaving tomorrow! I’m going to miss you so fuckin’ much!”

“Debbie, would you let the poor lad breathe! You’re suffocating him...and I refuse to Weekend at Bernie’s-him to LA.”

“Oh! Sorry Sunshine!” She pulled away and licked her thumb and tried to rub the lipstick off my cheek.

Brian pulled me away. “None of that. Why am I automatically to blame when we show up late?”

Speaking of things I would not miss, which we weren’t but whatever, Brian being automatically blamed when anything goes less than great between us, the Ethan episode notwithstanding for which I was blamed squarely and probably fairly, or between Brian and anyone. Or for anyone, period. They now would have to stop casting Brian in the starring role of their angst; sometimes we are the makers of our own misery.

Ted piped up from across the living room, “Well, Brian, statistically speaking…”

“Theodore, I do not believe I was speaking - statistically or otherwise - to you.” Brian smirked, although I knew behind his sarcasm, he and Ted had grown closer over the past few years and Ted had earned Brian’s begrudging respect and trust.

Ted smiled back at Brian. As their friendship had grown, Ted’s ability to roll with Brian’s snarky punches had also grown and he gave back, with his dry wit, as good as he received. “Well the odds of you speaking to me are moderated by the environment. For instance, at the office…”

“It was my fault,” I spoke up, interrupting Ted. All eyes - Emmett, Michael, Lindsay, Melanie, Ben, Blake, Drew, Carl, my mom and Molly, and even Hunter - turned toward me. I shifted uncomfortably at the sudden attention.

“Oh baby.” Emmett walked over and put his arm around me. “Just because you’re the one _giving_ the blow job, doesn’t mean it’s _your_ fault.”

“I was checking my mail one last time.” I had bounced around so much in the last few years, that it was easier just to get a PO Box.

“Good mail day?” Emmett guided me into the living room, followed by Debbie and Brian. Brian was a bit peeved because I had refused to tell him what had held me up.

“I dunno...this arrived.” I held up an envelope from Cal Arts. I had been told that transfer student admissions decisions were mailed out later than regular first year admissions since the school had to wait to see how large enrollment was going to be. I had been expecting to hear from them this month or the next. I had stood in the post office holding the envelope and staring at it for a good five minutes before Brian leaned on the horn of the rental car we had been driving that week.

Brian grabbed it from my hands. “You haven’t opened it yet?”

“No… I was hoping Debbie would.”

“Oh Sunshine!” Debbie put her hand on her heart. I know this superstitious stuff is bullshit but last time Debbie had opened an envelope from a school, sitting around the table with Vic, it had been good news. She pulled a crumpled tissue from her cleavage and dabbed at her eyes. “You’re going to make me fuckin’ cry and my mascara’s gonna run.” She stuck her hand out in the direction of the kitchen and snapped her fingers. “Michael, someone, hand me a knife.” I handed her the envelope.

“Ooh it’s like the Oscars...envelope, please!” Emmett stage-whispered.

Debbie opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside and read it and was quiet for a moment and it seemed like the oxygen had gone out of the room. And then she shrieked, “Congratulations Walt Disney!”

Everyone applauded and cheered and Emmett, jumped up and down, hugged me, and squeaked, “Oh my god! Oh my god! Baby! Congratulations!”

“Oh your god, oh your god. Calm down.” Brian removed Emmett’s arms from around my neck one at at time. “Why is everyone freaking out? Like there was any doubt…” His eyes were warm and happy. As we walked toward the kitchen, he bumped my shoulder with his and when I turned to look at him, he rolled his lips in, and repeated himself, “Never any doubt.” I flashed what I hoped was a convincing smile but there’s no fooling Brian. Worry quickly slid over his features, something I had grown used to seeing on his face over the past year.“What’s wrong?”

I let out a small sigh. “Nothing. I’m glad, I really am, but…”

“It’s not a cure?” I nodded. “Did you really think it would be?” His voice was gentle even as he spoke right to the point.

I shrugged and said, “I know that’s not realistic but…”

“You had hoped.” I nodded again but before I could say anything, Debbie called over to us. “What are you two lovebirds chatting about? You’re going to have all the time in the fuckin’ world once you’re in LA with no one else to talk to. Tonight is about saying goodbye to your family! Now get your asses over here before my puttanesca gets cold.”

We made our way to the kitchen and, after helping ourselves, found someplace to sit. Our little family had grown and we no longer all fit around the kitchen table. It was like a colorful queer version of musical chairs. Brian and I sat in different corners and everyone seemed to rotate to sit next to each of us and reminisce and say good-bye. Or see you later since we would be back in Pittsburgh pretty often. We had a goodbye dinner with Tori and Ana earlier in the week but tonight was our actual final absolute last night as residents of Pittsburgh.

“I’m so proud of you honey, you have no idea.” My mom and Molly squeezed next to me on the couch.

“God mom, I don’t think there’s anything to be proud of.”

“No, sweetie there is. I know your life isn’t perfect.” I barked a laugh at that. “But through everything, you’ve shown remarkable persistence. That comes from within you - I know you didn’t learn it from me or your father. It’s hard for a parent to admit it, but you’ve really become an adult in these past few years. So, yes, I’m very proud.” I nodded slightly and tried to take the compliment. I hoped the whole evening wouldn’t be like this (it kind of was and I survived).

“Don’t worry, I’m not proud of you,” Molly piped up.

I laughed, “Thank you Molly.

“So you have an extra bedroom, right? Or like a couch or something?”

“Yeah. There’s a guest room.”

“Cool, so how long can I visit for this summer?” She gave me a big smile and batted her eyelashes. I can’t believe that shit works to get my way with Brian sometimes.

“Molly! Don’t you think you should ask your brother if you may visit rather than just inviting yourself?” My mother has always been Miss Manners.

“No...cuz then he could say no.” Molly pouted.

“Look Mollusk, I’m happy to have you visit. But you’re going to have to get permission from mom...and dad. And I don’t think Craig’s going to be thrilled about his innocent little girl visiting her queer brother and his older male lover all the way across the country.” I whispered the word “older,” no sense in poking the bear. Well, not a bear, but you know.

Molly scowled, “No fair! I hate him!”

“Join the club.” I didn’t like souring her relationship with Craig, but honestly he did that all on his own. She got up and walked away. My mom looked at me helplessly. “Go, mom. Talk to her.”

After my mom got up, Emmett hurried over and took her spot. “So, you are definitely going to send me photos of any celebrities you see, right?”

“Sure, Em,” I fibbed. I wasn’t going to be walking around with a camera anyway.

He dropped his head on my shoulder and sighed. “Would you ever believe that you and Big Bad would be heading out on an adventure like this, like...Thelma and Louise!”

I twisted my head, trying to stare at him on my shoulder.

“Okay, okay, bad example. Like To Wong Foo!” He sounded triumphant.

“Emmett, you know we’re not driving, right?”

“Right, right.” He pouted for a second. “Either way, you’re off to live a fabulous life with your true love! And I’m so happy for you… and so sad for me. What am I going to do...what is gay Pittsburgh going to be like without the King and Prince of Babylon...although _you_ won King of Babylon so that would make Brian the Prince and, well, that doesn’t work. So I guess - “

“Emmett,” I cut him off. “You’re rambling.”

“I know sweetie. You know I do that when I’m emotional. I just don’t think it’s sunk in yet. You’ve been a part of my life, our lives, for so many years now. I can’t picture the diner without you, or Woody’s, or Babylon, or - “

“Emmett!” I was laughing by now. “We will be back to visit. And you can come visit us, you know.”

“Moi? Little ole me in Hollywood?” He sat up straighter now. “I have always wanted to stroll down Hollywood Boulevard, see the stars…” He got a faraway look in his eyes

“Are you planning a love triangle between you, Harrison Ford, and Meryl Streep?” I joked.

“How _did_ you know?” Emmett grinned at me and then his face turned serious. “Baby, are you going to be okay out there, not knowing anyone? I know we’ve not always known the best way to help you and we’re definitely far from perfect. Is this really what you want?”

I sighed softly and wondered when the second-guessing from everyone else would end. I supposed when I stopped second-guessing it all myself. I didn’t want to be frustrated with Emmett. He had really been a rock in just being supportive without being too much, you know? He would sometimes tell me stories about growing up in Hazelhurst, which, well duh that’s Emmett, but he would tell me about some of his darker days when his “flame almost went out” as he puts it, and didn’t give me advice or anything but just let me know that on one level he got it. “Yeah, Em, as much as I can be sure of anything right now. I will miss everyone though.” I leaned over and whispered in his ear, “And I think I’ll miss you most of all.” He held his hand to his heart. “I’m not moving because of you, because of any of you. But I was so happy in LA and when I was getting to do this kind of work everyday.”

“Well then,” he spoke firmly. “You absolutely must go. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, least of all me.” He kissed my cheek. “I must say ta for now and leave you to your adoring fans.” He gestured to Lindsay and Melanie standing kind of awkwardly nearby. As soon as Emmett stood and walked back toward the kitchen, they plopped down on either side of me.

“Baby, we are so fuckin’ proud of you for getting into Cal Arts,” Melanie squeezed my arm affectionately.

“So very proud. But Justin, do consider the fine arts track, it will give you a foundation and from there you can do anything. Studying animation might...limit you in the future.” Lindsay tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Lindsay,” I sighed. “A BFA is basically a vocational degree. If I wanted a broad education, I would have gone to a liberal arts college.”

“Lindsay!” Brian called across the house, his arms full of Gus. “Can you give me a hand?” She hopped up and made her away over to them. Brian raised his eyebrows at me and gave me a half smile. I nodded and mouthed, ‘Thank you.’

Melanie playfully punched my arm, “Hey watch what you say about liberal arts colleges! I loved my time at Vassar.”

I smiled, “I know, Mel, it’s just not for me. I’ve always wanted to be an animator and this is the best way to achieve that goal.”

“Oh I know sweetie. We’re going to miss you, you know? I don’t know what Gus and JR are going to do without you.”

“You mean what _you’re_ going to do without my incredibly affordable babysitting services.” I gave her a goofy grin and she snorted. Truthfully I was terrified every time I babysat for them and I was a bit relieved to avoid babysitting for the foreseeable future.

“Yep, that too...Justin I know you’re probably sick of people asking if you’re sure about this, my beloved wife included,” she began.

“But…” I added helpfully, although also sick of this shit.

“But, are you sure you want to uproot your life for that asshole? Are you sure he’s ready for that kind of commitment? I know you’re the younger one here, but he really has all the emotional maturity of a fifteen year old boy.” Mel’s voice was soft but her words were like barbs.

“What kind of commitment?” I tried to modulate my voice.

“Justin, he’ll leave you stranded at the first celebrity who makes eyes at him.”

“ _I’m_ the one who’s left, he’s never left. Not even this past year when he certainly could have felt fed up with all the shit I’ve put him through. We’ve been together and _good_ for years now. Everyone seems to forget that just because our relationship doesn’t fit some cookie cutter heteronormative ideal.” I kept my voice soft too. I was still really struggling with irritability and I didn’t want to completely blow up all my relationships on our way out of town.

“Wow, the student becomes the teacher,” Melanie joked and then paused. “...You know you have a point.”

“I do?” I was shocked, making a point against a lawyer of Melanie’s caliber is no small thing.

“Yeah. I can admit when I’m in the wrong. I guess I’m permanently stuck five or six years in the past.” She looked over to Brian where he stood still holding Gus and deep in conversation with Lindsay.

“Yeah...thanks Mel. I’m gonna miss you.” I softened.

“I’m going to miss you too, Justin. But I expect we’ll see you on video calls for Gus’s bedtime stories.” She hugged me and got up and joined Brian and Lindsay.

I had a moment to myself, or as much to oneself as a person can be while surrounded by a group of very loving but intrusive friends and family. Sometimes being “on” for the group of them is overwhelming and I kinda wanted to escape up to my old room... _Michael’s old room_...and lock myself in. While I was lost in my escape fantasy,Michael sat down beside me and shifted around a bit nervously. I knew he had been having difficulty with the move and I couldn’t really blame him. I remembered how I felt when Daphne was filling out her med school applications for schools all across the country and then again when she decided defer and to volunteer with Doctors Without Borders. We sent each other long letters, but it wasn’t the same. He alternated between being happy for Brian, for us, and already mourning the loss of being able to see his closest friend nearly daily. And I know that he blamed me. Sure he had never said anything to me or to Brian - he had at least learned that lesson - but you could tell by the way he would scowl at me when he didn’t think anyone was looking and how our business meetings were sometimes very businesslike. I had no idea where his head was at that night whether he was in a happy for Brian space or an already missing Brian space. I guessed I would find out soon enough. I smiled at him and waited for him to begin.

“So this is it, huh?” He looked around the room, his eyes not resting on any one person.

“Guess so,” I said non committedly.

“So Ted brought some tech person over from the office to set up the webcam,” he began. We were going to continue working on Rage remotely. “When do your animation classes start? Congrats by the way.”

“Thanks. Fall semester starts in August so I won’t be qualified to turn Rage into a full length animated film until _at least_ end of September, early October.” I made a half-hearted attempt at humor. I was beginning to wish that Michael would just cut to the chase.

He gave a short laugh. “You know he’s done so much for you.”

This again. No need to clarify who “he” is, there’s only one “he” when it comes to me and Michael. “I know,” I said quietly. “And I’m grateful - Brian knows how grateful I am.”

“Oh yeah...shit, sorry Justin. I-I didn’t mean to imply…” He was flustered. “I was just trying to say...he loves you, you know?” He paused and then rushed to say, “I know he doesn’t, probably doesn’t say it or say it often but it’s Brian and, well, I hope you know he loves you.”

“I know,” I kept my voice soft. I mean shit I’m not still 19 and still figuring out all the deficits from the bashing and desperate for Brian to spell everything out. I guessed we didn’t give any one of us much room to grow and change.

Michael cleared his throat and looked around the room nervously again. “And I’m, um, glad.”

“You are?” This took an unexpected turn.

“You don’t have to act so shocked!” Michael was indignant and I shot him a withering look. “Okay okay. Maybe you have some reason to be shockedt. You are good for...you’re good for each other.” I’m sure the surprise registered on my face. “What? What did I say?” 

“I’ve been a bump on a log for like a year now. I’m not much good for anyone, I don’t think.”Michael’s eyebrows shot up and his forehead wrinkled. “Don’t worry Michael, this isn’t some pity party for one. I’m not about to throw myself into traffic. I’m just stating a fact.”

“I mean, you’ve had a hard year. No one’s saying you haven’t. But you can’t really think that...what Brian doesn’t get anything out of this...whateverthefuck you’re calling this these days?”

I shrugged a shoulder and eyed him. “He feels guilty.”

“Jesus Justin. I shouldn’t’ve said that then, it wasn’t true you know and it’s sure as shit not true now.” _Someone_ was certainly feeling guilty.

“All he does is take care of me.” I was really letting it all out, huh? It was like Michael had found some release valve and all my fears about me and Brian were spilling forth and it was reminiscent of the two of us years before.

Michael stared at me. “That’s not all there is to the two of you.”

“Well, I am fanfuckingtastic in bed. So I guess there’s that.” It really was deja vu.

Michael continued to stare at me and squinted his eyes like he was trying to figure out a puzzle. When it seemed like he solved it, he said, “There’s a reason we based a superhero on him.”

“Yeah schoolboy crushes.”

He huffed out a laugh. “Well that too.” He pulled me in for a hug. “I’m going to miss you Boy Wonder.”

***

Our first evening in LA, we took a look at the moving boxes everywhere in the house and then looked at each other. Brian suggested we take my new Jeep out for a spin and we found ourselves down at the beach.

Even though it was evening and the sun was starting to set, the sand was still warm from the day. We walked down to the water’s edge, shoes in hand and jeans rolled up. Just before we reached where the waves were lapping gently onto the sand, I sat down, my weight sinking into the warmth of the sand. Brian dropped his shoes and continued to walk into the water until the waves were breaking around his ankles. I heard him inhale sharply over the sound of the surf. He turned and smirked at me. “Come on in Sunshine! The water’s great!” I sighed and stood up and jogged over to meet him. When my feet touched the water I yelped, the Pacific was fucking freezing!

“Fuck you Brian!” I laughed.

“What?” He shot me a faux innocent look.

“The water’s great, huh? So you won’t mind if I do this?” I kicked my leg to splash him.

He laughed, “No don’t mind at all. Just like I know you won’t mind if I do this.” He bent down and stuck his hands in the water and splashed me, essentially declaring war. We splashed each other and eventually we were soaked and the water no longer felt as cold. Brian grabbed me around my waist and pulled me close. I looked up at him and I saw his smile - genuine happiness written across his face - which he rarely shows the world. He picked me up by my waist and spun me around and we laughed together. When he put me down, I reached up and kissed him hard. I thought of the past year, year and a half, of coming back from Los Angeles the first time, the months of depression, the hospitalization, all the planning and talking and researching and talking. Applications to the studio space, to the animation program. Picking out a house. The move. And miraculously doing all these things with Brian. Brian actually being there with me through all this. And sure I was still really fucking depressed but every once and awhile, to take a step back from the minute-to-minute shit and just really see it all, see my life. A lot of the stuff that had happened in the last year couldn’t have happened if I was happy with my life. Couldn’t have happened without Brian. I pulled back and looked up at him. “We’re here.”


End file.
